What Do I Wish To Focus On?

It is another Wishcasting Wednesday at Jamie Ridler Studios...one of my favorite places. She always leads me to really think and ask myself some questions that bring much needed clarity to my life. This weeks question, "What do I wish to focus on?" could have several answers...obvious ones, like: losing weight, being healthy, getting organized, etc..but, I like to dig a bit deeper and try to find some new truth that isn't so obvious. Lately, I have found myself kind of stuck in the "If only's"...you know, "if only this hadn't happened, I would be happy" or "if only that person hadn't done that to me then I would be not going through this or that"...it is a very insidious little rut to fall into and can be hard to dig ones self out of. Especially, if one is rather feeling sorry for herself and wallowing in it like a little piggie neck deep in the mud. It seems to me, it really is an issue of not wanting to let go. If I let go of the "If only", then I might just have to move forward to the "What if?"..like, "what if I learn from this lesson and make something positive come out of it?" Or, even harder, "What if I stop feeling sorry for myself for what I don't have and be grateful for what I do and stop looking over the rainbow for something that is right in front of me?" Ahhh...now you see why I chose Dorothy as my blog picture. She epitomizes the state of being I have been in..there is something outside of myself that I am lacking and if I can just get my hands on it, life will be all bluebirds. If my life's circumstances were different, then I would find the end of the rainbow..it is all out of my hands..and on and on..blah.blah.blah. Pathetic! For Dorothy, it takes a freaking tornado to move her to a new place...she fights a wicked witch and goes through hell just to find out that the witch melts away with a bucket of water...Then, after all that, she is told that "She always had the power within her to go home" and she never needed the wizard at all, but just needed to click her shoes 3 times. I am sorry, but as much as I love the movie, if I were Dorothy, I think I would've punched Glinda square in her pretty little glittery face. And...I might add that I feel there is something missing at the movie that bothers me. When Dorothy finally clicks those heels and says, "There's no place like home", I just really wish that her life turned into one of brilliant color. That revelation should've counted for something and changed her world...who wants to live forever in sepia tones? SO!! I didn't really expect this to turn into a commentary on "The Wizard of Oz", but I feel like I am on a roll here. Is there an answer to the wishcasting question somewhere in this all? Yes, and here it is...I wish to focus on being over the rainbow about my life just where I am and as it is..in spite of the occasional tornado or fall in the pigpen. I do not need to follow a yellow brick road in search of someone or something outside of myself to bring some color in..I wish to stop giving away my power to those "if onlys" and choose to start dwelling in the possibility of "What if?" because that is where my power lies and Glinda is right..It has always been right there. So, I guess my focus is about letting go and letting in..letting go of the past...hurts, disappointments, painful rejections and all and focus on letting in...more love, more gratitude, more forgiveness..more blessing. I have a seriously blessed life...it is about time I clicked my heels about it!

Am I Dreaming??

Wow...do I have news to share with you! First, let me begin by saying that this year has been one of so much growth for me. It has been a year of deciphering just what works in my life and what doesn't..in my art and in my relationships. It has meant some hard decisions had to be made and some painful truths had to be faced and at one point, I felt so stripped that I didn't know what I believed anymore or exactly where my niche was. I have been a primitive folk artist for so many years and had reached that point where the joy was just gone. I needed a change and a new outlet for my creativity and so, I went back to my childhood and started to get to know that little girl within and let her come out to play...and what emerged was a totally different art that just made me smile whenever I had a brush in hand...I have always had a tremendous imagination and it seemed all of my fantasies came to life...mermaids, fairies and angels...little children with pudgy faces and flowers..lots of flowers, with lots of color! I took a few classes and discovered the technique of collage and that added even more to my world of possibilities..it felt like waking up after a long sleep, refreshing and full of expectation for what each day's imaginings would create. So, Queen B. Artistry was born..."B" being for me...bertie. "Queen" being for what my daughter said I have always been...I guess I may have used that title a few times during my children's growing up..you know...just a reminder of who is in charge? Anyway...I digress..which I am bound to do from time to time..Where was I? Oh..the exciting news! You know when you do something in your life and you just know it feels right and is the thing to do? Sometimes, you feel like you might be the only one who knows it is right and you just need that bit of confirmation to make it really feel right? Well...this new venture and art genre was a bit scary for me. It meant walking in a different direction, when the primitive look was still selling really well and represented security...big time. Well, I can say with great joy and relief that I got my confirmation...at a primitive art show of all places! I will just spit it out...I was approached by a beautiful lady at this show..she loved my new artwork and said it gave her such a happy feeling. This wonderful lady has a publishing company and are you ready???Wait for it...ok..that is long enough! She has asked me to illustrate A SERIES, I repeat, SERIES of children's books, featuring my little childhood characters! I can't tell you the details yet, as it is TOP SECRET and I would have to kill you..heehee. But, I can tell you that I am working on the first one and have already made plans for 2 more and who knows where this may lead? I am just flabberghasted and awed at how when you do what you love, the universe seems to align in agreement and God just opens the doors..ironically, this is usually after you have been heart broken because of other doors closing that you thought were reallllly good doors and you can't understand why they are now closed. Luckily, God knows what we don't...that there is something far more wonderful behind door #2..He is the ultimate Monty Hall, only he doesn't ever have a booby prize waiting for you. So! I must admit, I am a bit daunted at the task as it is new to me, this illustration process, but I know I am on the right path...my mind is filled to the brim with ideas and inspiration and my little characters are just itching to get out on that paper, so they can dance and dance...I think I will join them and as I do, I know I will be pinching myself and repeating, "Am I dreaming???"

Figuring Life Out - One Thousand Gifts

PLEASE SCROLL DOWN AND TURN OFF MY PLAYLIST BEFORE WATCHING VIDEO SO YOU DON'T HEAR THEM BOTH AT THE SAME TIME! THANKYOU AND ENJOY THIS LITTLE TREASURE! I kind of messed up a bit here...I wrote a post about this video that is actually the next post after this..I wanted it to be the other way around, but it is late and for some reason, my brain did not function the way I wanted...nothing new there! I would really like it if you read the post about "How do you live your moments" first and then watch the video, but you know what? Just as long as you get the message any which way is just fine. Soooo...here it is...take it in and feel it deep. And then...share it with someone you love and then, could you spare one of those little moments to let me know if it made a difference. love to you all!

How do you live your moments?

I just had to share something that really touched me...I mean, REALLY touched me. It is a message that I would want to share with my granddaughters, my daughters and with anyone that I think would have the heart to listen. Our world is in a whirlwind of trouble and pain...It is soooo easy to get discouraged and feel like life is just too big and the problems and angst just too much to take in. And, it is. It is too much to take in all at once. The earthquakes, the tsunamis, the war, the hatred, etc...already I can feel myself wanting to shut down from the weight. So...what to do? We can't shut our eyes and pretend we don't see..but WE CAN shift our vision and change our world...one moment at a time. Easy to say, not so easy to do...can you slow down? Can you really look around you at all of the wonder and see a miracle in a ladybug? Or in a baby's giggle? Can you touch and taste all of the limitless treats and sensations that surround you that in your hurry, you blur past them to get to work or drive that child to dance class? I know I have had many a blurry day and have missed the miracle. I am going to try to do better and be more present, more aware and more expectant in the simple moments of life...it is a new perspective..and it is about time. It is about gratitude and grace and seeing with a new set of eyes...maybe, just maybe, it will really be a miracle when the little things become the big things and instead of casting our eyes downward at the enormity of the pain in this world, we will cast our eyes upward at the beauty and limitless love that encompasses it all . Sounds good to me.

Letting Go...

It has been awhile since I last posted, hasn't it? Needless to say, it was a whirlwind summer and the time got away from me, but that is not the only reason I was away. I normally like to share all the good stuff, the inspiring moments...you know..I like to make you feel good. I have a harder time sharing the really hard times..the things that make me feel a bit more vulnerable than I would like. But, I have decided that if you have the interest to read this blog and get to know me better, then, I must be real and being authentic, means just that. Be real and share it all. So, here goes...
I had a really painful thing happen to me this summer and I stayed away from blogging because it was just too hard to put on a happy face or even share what was inside. I lost a friendship. I mean, one of those "think you will be friends until you die, kindred spirit, one in a million" friendships. It was not just a growing apart, but a cruel severing and betrayal of all I believed in. It left me speechless. Literally. I could not speak without bursting into tears. I did not even talk to my friend about what this had done to me. I couldn't and I knew that no words of explanation could suffice or take my pain away. I have had so much loss in my life and this was one place I felt safe...and it was gone in an instant. So, as is my usual response to pain...I ran. I retreated so far into myself that I swore I would never trust another person again. I would never love with such abandon and put myself out there again. I was done and no one would ever climb the massive wall I started to build and get to me ever again. It didn't take long for all kinds of nasty things to start climbing and covering that wall..vines of bitterness. Dreams of how could I get even and hurt the heart that had so callously rejected mine. My dreams took on a darkness that scared me. I began to tell myself that I had never had a good moment or memory that was not tainted and a lie. I really became sick inside and my passion for life and the magic in my days seemed to die. It was truly one of the blackest times of my life...to feel such anger and not be able to forgive. I begged God to show me why this had happened? I do not have all of the answers, but I am learning a lot about myself as I await them. It took some time for me to look at myself and say, "This is not me. Nor is this who I want to be. I do not repay evil with evil. I believe in forgiveness, not retribution. I will not allow anyone to rob me of the magic in my life. No one deserves that kind of power...and most importantly, no one will rob me of my desire to love, put my heart out there and risk being hurt in order to experience all that life has to offer." I had to tell myself these things about a gazillion times a day at first and slowly...ever slowly, my heart began to change. I do have wonderful memories of this friend. We did share laughter and tears and times of fun like I have never had in my life. It does make me sad to think that they were thrown away so easily, but they did exist all the same. I wish no ill will on anyone and forgive completely...that does not mean that the friendship goes on..it just means that the bitterness does not. I have learned that I am stronger than I thought. I remember talking with my friend about how I could not survive if we were ever not friends. I know now that I am stronger than that. I choose to have people in my life, but I am no longer the insecure, needy girl who has to have them to survive. What I have written in my profile...the last line..has been tested and proven true. "It is enough...just being me." So, is that the lesson I was to learn? If so, it is a big one. I have never in my life valued myself enough to be able to say those words and mean them, until now. Now, I know they are not just words...they are my soul's cry. This friend once told me that some people come into your life for a reason and some for only a season...we did have some seasons that I will never forget and with time, they will not bring sadness to me to recall. I share this with you all as an encouragement as I know we all get hurt in this life. If you are in the same boat and have a hurt so deep that it is entangling and entwining you in vines of bitterness, hatred and pain..no matter what the other person did...let it go. Let it go! Feel your pain, cry your tears, scream your lungs out..and when you have emptied yourself of all that you need to let out, refill the cup...with love. with compassion. with forgiveness. Don't let yourself get lost and never shut off your capacity to love again. Be your authentic self and move on, always forward and realize that even if you have no answers as to "why" things happened, it doesn't change the "what"are you going to do to be true to yourself and come out the other side a better, stronger, wiser...you. As for me, it feels good to be me again. I am open and good things are coming to me because I am no longer holding them at arm's length...it is enough...more than enough...just being me. Finally, for real...now, that is magic.

Where Do You Wish To Make A Fresh Start?

This is the wish casting question of the week from one of my favorite places, Jamie Ridler Studios. It is one that could be answered in so many ways..I would love a fresh start with so many things...my health...diet and more exercise is always an ongoing wish. I would've said my business, but, I am already on the road to making that wish come true. So, after looking through some of my pictures, this one stood out to me. I took it from my back door from the house we just moved into a year ago. I lived in Maine for the past 13 years and always dreamed of living in the country, surrounded by nature. Our property in Maine was my wish come true and I lived in what I named, "Wildberry Cottage", surrounded by wild blueberries and 7 acres of Balsam Fir trees. It was my sanctuary and I thought I would live there forever. But, life had other plans. I became a grandmother...to one precious little girl in Virginia Beach and then to another gift from God in Connecticut. I just could not be apart from these little lights and my sanctuary began to feel like a prison that kept me from them. So, we made a decision to move to Ct. and in a matter of months, we were here. We were blessed to find a house in a beautiful neighborhood, surrounded by wonderful people. I lived a very secluded life in Maine..here, I am more challenged to get out there. I have joined the neighborhood book chat and it is wonderful..especially the women who I am getting to know. I really wish to make a new start here and go for it. It is not as easy as I thought it would be. I struggle with missing Maine, being a recluse and having the courage to make new friends. Maine was safe...it was easy to hide in my life. My home here is open to the world on all sides. It takes me out of my comfort zone to be so exposed and yet, I know it is a good thing. I am not meant to hide...not anymore. Sometimes, the things we settle into as comfortable are not what is really good for us. So, my wish is to make a new start here. To embrace every change and be fearless in creating this new life of mine. To see the rainbow in this picture, and it was a double one, by the way, is a reminder that I am where I need to be and my wish is being blessed by the heavens above. Not a bad place to be at all.....

WHO DO YOU WISH TO SEND MORE LOVE TO?

This is an exciting post for me! It is the very first one on my brand spankin' new blog that I designed myself after, just let me say, an obscene number of hours of trial and error and error and error. I wanted to see if a total computer illiterate like myself could do it and I am quite pleased. I really needed a new look from my old blog, Wildberry Gatherings, which was very pretty, but also very dark in color. This new blog really mirrors how I am feeling lately...more alive and more than a little sassy with life! So! That meant a new name for my business, as well! My daughter, Emily, came up with the idea. Seems I have made a point throughout my children's lives to point out to them (on occassion..ahem.) that "I am the Queen Bee around here." It seems the older I get, the more I repeat that I am the Queen..and you know what? I am kinda liking it. It seems to me that when you reach my age, you have kind of earned it. So, I say, with pride, that I dub thee, new blog..."Queen B. Attitude"! May she be a place for inspiration, laughter and honesty...the real deal. In that spirit, I answer Jamie Ridler's, "Wishcasting" question.."Who do I wish to send more love to?" The answer is one that feels a bit awkward for me to say...it comes from that old feeling that everything should be for everyone else and not for myself. In my life, I have found it very easy to love people. I have not had a problem showing the people in my life that I love them, in fact, I am known as the "Queen of Mush." I am one of those people who just have to hug, say "I love you" every time I hang up the phone and embarrass my kids with public displays of affection. No problem. There is only one person I can think of that I have met in my life that I found it nearly impossible to love...me. I grew up insecure, fearful and damaged..too much hurt, fear and rejection left me pretty damaged goods. Life has not been easy and with each heartbreak, I took it personally.. I obviously didn't deserve any better... God was not on my side, but the stern father, doling out punishment. On the outside, most people would say I was a very cheerful person who was always laughing and smiling. That is a huge part of who I am, but inside, I also was really lost within my negative thinking...and then, I turned fifty. So many women dread midlife and see it as a beginning to the end. Miraculously, for me, it has just been a beginning..a rebirth. With age comes clarity and I have finally begun to emerge out of that cocoon, that chrysalis and I am ready to shed that dried up old exterior and put on my new self. My authentic self...the one I was created to be..imperfect, but enough. For me..that is a huge step in the right direction. So, in that spirit, I send myself some love. Love to that little girl inside who has been angry for most of her life at the unfairness of it all...Love to that girl in the mirror who is not the size 6 she once was, but who is still told she is beautiful by her soul mate everyday and is now, just beginning to believe it..and Love to that fearful spirit who is ready to accept her place as a child of God, created and destined for great things and ready to make them happen. It is a long time coming and I still have to get used to these new wings of mine. I have loved those around me. It's about time I stretch those wings and love myself. So, when I thought of naming my business, "Queen B. Artistry" I was apprehensive...what if people think I am all full of myself and wonder, "Who does she think she is?" Well, the truth is," Queen B. Attitude" is not all about me. My vision for my blog is to inspire and encourage an attitude of self acceptance and love of life for all who read it. We are all Queens in our own lives and I have come to realise something. The more we love ourselves and nurture our creativity and passion and take care of ourselves, the more powerful our love will be for others. We will come from a healthy place, a joyous place..a place of gratitude and confidence, brimming with positive energy that can't help but spill over into everything we do and touch everyone we meet with love. THAT is the authentic life and the one I was created to be...the one you were created to be. So, as I wish to send more love to myself, I wish also to send it outward to you. May you be blessed with full measure to overflowing and embrace all that love has to offer!