It has been awhile since I last posted, hasn't it? Needless to say, it was a whirlwind summer and the time got away from me, but that is not the only reason I was away. I normally like to share all the good stuff, the inspiring moments...you know..I like to make you feel good. I have a harder time sharing the really hard times..the things that make me feel a bit more vulnerable than I would like. But, I have decided that if you have the interest to read this blog and get to know me better, then, I must be real and being authentic, means just that. Be real and share it all. So, here goes...
I had a really painful thing happen to me this summer and I stayed away from blogging because it was just too hard to put on a happy face or even share what was inside. I lost a friendship. I mean, one of those "think you will be friends until you die, kindred spirit, one in a million" friendships. It was not just a growing apart, but a cruel severing and betrayal of all I believed in. It left me speechless. Literally. I could not speak without bursting into tears. I did not even talk to my friend about what this had done to me. I couldn't and I knew that no words of explanation could suffice or take my pain away. I have had so much loss in my life and this was one place I felt safe...and it was gone in an instant. So, as is my usual response to pain...I ran. I retreated so far into myself that I swore I would never trust another person again. I would never love with such abandon and put myself out there again. I was done and no one would ever climb the massive wall I started to build and get to me ever again. It didn't take long for all kinds of nasty things to start climbing and covering that wall..vines of bitterness. Dreams of how could I get even and hurt the heart that had so callously rejected mine. My dreams took on a darkness that scared me. I began to tell myself that I had never had a good moment or memory that was not tainted and a lie. I really became sick inside and my passion for life and the magic in my days seemed to die. It was truly one of the blackest times of my life...to feel such anger and not be able to forgive. I begged God to show me why this had happened? I do not have all of the answers, but I am learning a lot about myself as I await them. It took some time for me to look at myself and say, "This is not me. Nor is this who I want to be. I do not repay evil with evil. I believe in forgiveness, not retribution. I will not allow anyone to rob me of the magic in my life. No one deserves that kind of power...and most importantly, no one will rob me of my desire to love, put my heart out there and risk being hurt in order to experience all that life has to offer." I had to tell myself these things about a gazillion times a day at first and slowly...ever slowly, my heart began to change. I do have wonderful memories of this friend. We did share laughter and tears and times of fun like I have never had in my life. It does make me sad to think that they were thrown away so easily, but they did exist all the same. I wish no ill will on anyone and forgive completely...that does not mean that the friendship goes on..it just means that the bitterness does not. I have learned that I am stronger than I thought. I remember talking with my friend about how I could not survive if we were ever not friends. I know now that I am stronger than that. I choose to have people in my life, but I am no longer the insecure, needy girl who has to have them to survive. What I have written in my profile...the last line..has been tested and proven true. "It is enough...just being me." So, is that the lesson I was to learn? If so, it is a big one. I have never in my life valued myself enough to be able to say those words and mean them, until now. Now, I know they are not just words...they are my soul's cry. This friend once told me that some people come into your life for a reason and some for only a season...we did have some seasons that I will never forget and with time, they will not bring sadness to me to recall. I share this with you all as an encouragement as I know we all get hurt in this life. If you are in the same boat and have a hurt so deep that it is entangling and entwining you in vines of bitterness, hatred and pain..no matter what the other person did...let it go. Let it go! Feel your pain, cry your tears, scream your lungs out..and when you have emptied yourself of all that you need to let out, refill the cup...with love. with compassion. with forgiveness. Don't let yourself get lost and never shut off your capacity to love again. Be your authentic self and move on, always forward and realize that even if you have no answers as to "why" things happened, it doesn't change the "what"are you going to do to be true to yourself and come out the other side a better, stronger, wiser...you. As for me, it feels good to be me again. I am open and good things are coming to me because I am no longer holding them at arm's length...it is enough...more than enough...just being me. Finally, for real...now, that is magic.
I had a really painful thing happen to me this summer and I stayed away from blogging because it was just too hard to put on a happy face or even share what was inside. I lost a friendship. I mean, one of those "think you will be friends until you die, kindred spirit, one in a million" friendships. It was not just a growing apart, but a cruel severing and betrayal of all I believed in. It left me speechless. Literally. I could not speak without bursting into tears. I did not even talk to my friend about what this had done to me. I couldn't and I knew that no words of explanation could suffice or take my pain away. I have had so much loss in my life and this was one place I felt safe...and it was gone in an instant. So, as is my usual response to pain...I ran. I retreated so far into myself that I swore I would never trust another person again. I would never love with such abandon and put myself out there again. I was done and no one would ever climb the massive wall I started to build and get to me ever again. It didn't take long for all kinds of nasty things to start climbing and covering that wall..vines of bitterness. Dreams of how could I get even and hurt the heart that had so callously rejected mine. My dreams took on a darkness that scared me. I began to tell myself that I had never had a good moment or memory that was not tainted and a lie. I really became sick inside and my passion for life and the magic in my days seemed to die. It was truly one of the blackest times of my life...to feel such anger and not be able to forgive. I begged God to show me why this had happened? I do not have all of the answers, but I am learning a lot about myself as I await them. It took some time for me to look at myself and say, "This is not me. Nor is this who I want to be. I do not repay evil with evil. I believe in forgiveness, not retribution. I will not allow anyone to rob me of the magic in my life. No one deserves that kind of power...and most importantly, no one will rob me of my desire to love, put my heart out there and risk being hurt in order to experience all that life has to offer." I had to tell myself these things about a gazillion times a day at first and slowly...ever slowly, my heart began to change. I do have wonderful memories of this friend. We did share laughter and tears and times of fun like I have never had in my life. It does make me sad to think that they were thrown away so easily, but they did exist all the same. I wish no ill will on anyone and forgive completely...that does not mean that the friendship goes on..it just means that the bitterness does not. I have learned that I am stronger than I thought. I remember talking with my friend about how I could not survive if we were ever not friends. I know now that I am stronger than that. I choose to have people in my life, but I am no longer the insecure, needy girl who has to have them to survive. What I have written in my profile...the last line..has been tested and proven true. "It is enough...just being me." So, is that the lesson I was to learn? If so, it is a big one. I have never in my life valued myself enough to be able to say those words and mean them, until now. Now, I know they are not just words...they are my soul's cry. This friend once told me that some people come into your life for a reason and some for only a season...we did have some seasons that I will never forget and with time, they will not bring sadness to me to recall. I share this with you all as an encouragement as I know we all get hurt in this life. If you are in the same boat and have a hurt so deep that it is entangling and entwining you in vines of bitterness, hatred and pain..no matter what the other person did...let it go. Let it go! Feel your pain, cry your tears, scream your lungs out..and when you have emptied yourself of all that you need to let out, refill the cup...with love. with compassion. with forgiveness. Don't let yourself get lost and never shut off your capacity to love again. Be your authentic self and move on, always forward and realize that even if you have no answers as to "why" things happened, it doesn't change the "what"are you going to do to be true to yourself and come out the other side a better, stronger, wiser...you. As for me, it feels good to be me again. I am open and good things are coming to me because I am no longer holding them at arm's length...it is enough...more than enough...just being me. Finally, for real...now, that is magic.
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Bertie, what a strong and powerful post. Friendships can be wonderful, they can be difficult, challenging at times - and yes, sometimes they end. There is a lot of grief and there can be those "evil" thoughts. I think you described a very necessary process that you went through after you were hurt so deeply by your friend. I very much like and admire how you look at the positive side, what you learned from it and that you came out a stronger woman. That is a lot. You ARE enough. A hard way to discover. But you did find it.
ReplyDeleteBerta, I am so happy and thankful, that you've found your way to this side of the pain. Often ... when one has the ability to feel this deeply about relationships ... then one also has the ability to hurt this deeply and sometimes we must trust our inner defense systems and retreat, rethink and recycle our pain into something positive and this you have DONE ... cause as Carola said youu are enough ... queen bee ... daughter of the KING!
ReplyDeleteBerta....I am so proud of you! Bitterness is like a cancer that eats up your soul. Life teaches us lessons. Some are hard to get through, but they help shape who we are. These lessons are there for us to help other people who may have had the same experience that we have. Your friend did not know how special you are. They didn't know that having a friend like you brightens your day and can make you laugh so hard that you can't breath. Your friend doesn't realize what was lost. I am glad that you are not going to lose yourself over this. You have mourned the death of a friendship and you have come out the stronger for it. You know I love you..hugs and kiss from someone who appreciates you for you. : )
ReplyDeleteSo strange - I just had a conversation this morning about losing friendships. It's so hard when you're blindsided, but I agree that some relationships come into our lives for a shorter time/season, but they all serve a greater purporse. You could be wasting so much time and energy in despair while your former friend is perfectly fine. It is, indeed, your choice to move on with grace or stay trapped in her web. Sounds like you're choosing to forgive and move forward - bravo!
ReplyDeleteOh Berta - I have been though this myself. Heartbreaking - it really feels like a death. So glad you are back and doing better.
ReplyDeleteOh Roberta thank you for sharing! You are so right it is hard to share the pain but I think it helps to know we all go through it....I have no idea exactly what happened but maybe your friend just needed to go through his/her thing and couldn't communicate that well as that is hard to do sometimes. Love to you.
ReplyDeleteIm following both blogs now. Love them, love the christmas video....love the title queen b.
ReplyDeletegood on you Cheers janet
from New Zealand
I'm so glad you're back boo-boo. If I would have known you before this post or you visiting mine I'm sure I woulda missed you! There's not much I can add to what you've said here. My heart so feels every word and you know it's true. And I'm so happy for all of us who are making a space for more love and more friendship in this new year. I'm so glad we've been through enough now that we can ask for what we want from the world and expect it to deliver! lots of hugs...and im following you now fellow Scorpio...please keep in touch XOXO
ReplyDelete