Letting Go...

It has been awhile since I last posted, hasn't it? Needless to say, it was a whirlwind summer and the time got away from me, but that is not the only reason I was away. I normally like to share all the good stuff, the inspiring moments...you know..I like to make you feel good. I have a harder time sharing the really hard times..the things that make me feel a bit more vulnerable than I would like. But, I have decided that if you have the interest to read this blog and get to know me better, then, I must be real and being authentic, means just that. Be real and share it all. So, here goes...
I had a really painful thing happen to me this summer and I stayed away from blogging because it was just too hard to put on a happy face or even share what was inside. I lost a friendship. I mean, one of those "think you will be friends until you die, kindred spirit, one in a million" friendships. It was not just a growing apart, but a cruel severing and betrayal of all I believed in. It left me speechless. Literally. I could not speak without bursting into tears. I did not even talk to my friend about what this had done to me. I couldn't and I knew that no words of explanation could suffice or take my pain away. I have had so much loss in my life and this was one place I felt safe...and it was gone in an instant. So, as is my usual response to pain...I ran. I retreated so far into myself that I swore I would never trust another person again. I would never love with such abandon and put myself out there again. I was done and no one would ever climb the massive wall I started to build and get to me ever again. It didn't take long for all kinds of nasty things to start climbing and covering that wall..vines of bitterness. Dreams of how could I get even and hurt the heart that had so callously rejected mine. My dreams took on a darkness that scared me. I began to tell myself that I had never had a good moment or memory that was not tainted and a lie. I really became sick inside and my passion for life and the magic in my days seemed to die. It was truly one of the blackest times of my life...to feel such anger and not be able to forgive. I begged God to show me why this had happened? I do not have all of the answers, but I am learning a lot about myself as I await them. It took some time for me to look at myself and say, "This is not me. Nor is this who I want to be. I do not repay evil with evil. I believe in forgiveness, not retribution. I will not allow anyone to rob me of the magic in my life. No one deserves that kind of power...and most importantly, no one will rob me of my desire to love, put my heart out there and risk being hurt in order to experience all that life has to offer." I had to tell myself these things about a gazillion times a day at first and slowly...ever slowly, my heart began to change. I do have wonderful memories of this friend. We did share laughter and tears and times of fun like I have never had in my life. It does make me sad to think that they were thrown away so easily, but they did exist all the same. I wish no ill will on anyone and forgive completely...that does not mean that the friendship goes on..it just means that the bitterness does not. I have learned that I am stronger than I thought. I remember talking with my friend about how I could not survive if we were ever not friends. I know now that I am stronger than that. I choose to have people in my life, but I am no longer the insecure, needy girl who has to have them to survive. What I have written in my profile...the last line..has been tested and proven true. "It is enough...just being me." So, is that the lesson I was to learn? If so, it is a big one. I have never in my life valued myself enough to be able to say those words and mean them, until now. Now, I know they are not just words...they are my soul's cry. This friend once told me that some people come into your life for a reason and some for only a season...we did have some seasons that I will never forget and with time, they will not bring sadness to me to recall. I share this with you all as an encouragement as I know we all get hurt in this life. If you are in the same boat and have a hurt so deep that it is entangling and entwining you in vines of bitterness, hatred and pain..no matter what the other person did...let it go. Let it go! Feel your pain, cry your tears, scream your lungs out..and when you have emptied yourself of all that you need to let out, refill the cup...with love. with compassion. with forgiveness. Don't let yourself get lost and never shut off your capacity to love again. Be your authentic self and move on, always forward and realize that even if you have no answers as to "why" things happened, it doesn't change the "what"are you going to do to be true to yourself and come out the other side a better, stronger, wiser...you. As for me, it feels good to be me again. I am open and good things are coming to me because I am no longer holding them at arm's length...it is enough...more than enough...just being me. Finally, for real...now, that is magic.

Where Do You Wish To Make A Fresh Start?

This is the wish casting question of the week from one of my favorite places, Jamie Ridler Studios. It is one that could be answered in so many ways..I would love a fresh start with so many things...my health...diet and more exercise is always an ongoing wish. I would've said my business, but, I am already on the road to making that wish come true. So, after looking through some of my pictures, this one stood out to me. I took it from my back door from the house we just moved into a year ago. I lived in Maine for the past 13 years and always dreamed of living in the country, surrounded by nature. Our property in Maine was my wish come true and I lived in what I named, "Wildberry Cottage", surrounded by wild blueberries and 7 acres of Balsam Fir trees. It was my sanctuary and I thought I would live there forever. But, life had other plans. I became a grandmother...to one precious little girl in Virginia Beach and then to another gift from God in Connecticut. I just could not be apart from these little lights and my sanctuary began to feel like a prison that kept me from them. So, we made a decision to move to Ct. and in a matter of months, we were here. We were blessed to find a house in a beautiful neighborhood, surrounded by wonderful people. I lived a very secluded life in Maine..here, I am more challenged to get out there. I have joined the neighborhood book chat and it is wonderful..especially the women who I am getting to know. I really wish to make a new start here and go for it. It is not as easy as I thought it would be. I struggle with missing Maine, being a recluse and having the courage to make new friends. Maine was safe...it was easy to hide in my life. My home here is open to the world on all sides. It takes me out of my comfort zone to be so exposed and yet, I know it is a good thing. I am not meant to hide...not anymore. Sometimes, the things we settle into as comfortable are not what is really good for us. So, my wish is to make a new start here. To embrace every change and be fearless in creating this new life of mine. To see the rainbow in this picture, and it was a double one, by the way, is a reminder that I am where I need to be and my wish is being blessed by the heavens above. Not a bad place to be at all.....

WHO DO YOU WISH TO SEND MORE LOVE TO?

This is an exciting post for me! It is the very first one on my brand spankin' new blog that I designed myself after, just let me say, an obscene number of hours of trial and error and error and error. I wanted to see if a total computer illiterate like myself could do it and I am quite pleased. I really needed a new look from my old blog, Wildberry Gatherings, which was very pretty, but also very dark in color. This new blog really mirrors how I am feeling lately...more alive and more than a little sassy with life! So! That meant a new name for my business, as well! My daughter, Emily, came up with the idea. Seems I have made a point throughout my children's lives to point out to them (on occassion..ahem.) that "I am the Queen Bee around here." It seems the older I get, the more I repeat that I am the Queen..and you know what? I am kinda liking it. It seems to me that when you reach my age, you have kind of earned it. So, I say, with pride, that I dub thee, new blog..."Queen B. Attitude"! May she be a place for inspiration, laughter and honesty...the real deal. In that spirit, I answer Jamie Ridler's, "Wishcasting" question.."Who do I wish to send more love to?" The answer is one that feels a bit awkward for me to say...it comes from that old feeling that everything should be for everyone else and not for myself. In my life, I have found it very easy to love people. I have not had a problem showing the people in my life that I love them, in fact, I am known as the "Queen of Mush." I am one of those people who just have to hug, say "I love you" every time I hang up the phone and embarrass my kids with public displays of affection. No problem. There is only one person I can think of that I have met in my life that I found it nearly impossible to love...me. I grew up insecure, fearful and damaged..too much hurt, fear and rejection left me pretty damaged goods. Life has not been easy and with each heartbreak, I took it personally.. I obviously didn't deserve any better... God was not on my side, but the stern father, doling out punishment. On the outside, most people would say I was a very cheerful person who was always laughing and smiling. That is a huge part of who I am, but inside, I also was really lost within my negative thinking...and then, I turned fifty. So many women dread midlife and see it as a beginning to the end. Miraculously, for me, it has just been a beginning..a rebirth. With age comes clarity and I have finally begun to emerge out of that cocoon, that chrysalis and I am ready to shed that dried up old exterior and put on my new self. My authentic self...the one I was created to be..imperfect, but enough. For me..that is a huge step in the right direction. So, in that spirit, I send myself some love. Love to that little girl inside who has been angry for most of her life at the unfairness of it all...Love to that girl in the mirror who is not the size 6 she once was, but who is still told she is beautiful by her soul mate everyday and is now, just beginning to believe it..and Love to that fearful spirit who is ready to accept her place as a child of God, created and destined for great things and ready to make them happen. It is a long time coming and I still have to get used to these new wings of mine. I have loved those around me. It's about time I stretch those wings and love myself. So, when I thought of naming my business, "Queen B. Artistry" I was apprehensive...what if people think I am all full of myself and wonder, "Who does she think she is?" Well, the truth is," Queen B. Attitude" is not all about me. My vision for my blog is to inspire and encourage an attitude of self acceptance and love of life for all who read it. We are all Queens in our own lives and I have come to realise something. The more we love ourselves and nurture our creativity and passion and take care of ourselves, the more powerful our love will be for others. We will come from a healthy place, a joyous place..a place of gratitude and confidence, brimming with positive energy that can't help but spill over into everything we do and touch everyone we meet with love. THAT is the authentic life and the one I was created to be...the one you were created to be. So, as I wish to send more love to myself, I wish also to send it outward to you. May you be blessed with full measure to overflowing and embrace all that love has to offer!

I Believe She's Amazing Flash Mob - Toronto Eaton Centre

I just had to post this as a big thank you and hug for all of the phenomenal women who have influenced my life lately. I have not felt this full of hope and expectation and inspiration in..??? Well, maybe ever! I dedicate this to Kelly Rae Roberts in gratitude for her wonderfully inspiring "Flying Lessons" ecourse and to all of my fellow flyers, who are taking wing as we speak. This video's message.."I BELIEVE!" is so perfect for what we have learned recently and for what we are sharing with eachother on our journeys to live an authenticly creative life...our dream come true. What I see in this video is that WE are the dancers...no longer spectators, looking on, but actively moving, reaching for our stars and sending out our energy to impact the world with love and light and magic. .In a world full of so much sadness and stress, our dreams and creative imaginings are more important than ever..we may never know how many lives we touch or draw into our circle by being who we were born to be, but we can be sure of this...the world will be a better place...a more colorful place..a more creative place...for it is being infused with the positive life force of hundreds of amazing women with wings!! ..may this give you a little added lift in reaching your dreams and soaring to your greatest height!! be blessed!

How Do You Wish to Bloom?

Ok..I am busted. In my last post, I promised to be a good blogger and that was in...well...January. I know that is lamer than lame, but in all honesty, I have spent the past few months doing some really important work in finding out just what it is I want to say and share with you all. I have taken some time to do some really intensive personal reflection and have come across some really phenomenal women who have helped me in that journey. I share with you, one of those women...Jamie Ridler of Jamie Ridler Studios and she is a mentor in sharing how to live a creative and authentic life..It is her question that is the subject of this post. How do I wish to bloom? It would be easy to say that I wish to bloom with vibrant color and strength. I would love to attract many bees and leave them feeling nourished for having met me...and those statements would be true. But, I can feel that I want more than that and it has taken me until recently to discover why. For most of my life, I have felt that I just did not fit in...I was a wildflower in a garden of roses. I have often felt that I was just really trying to grow in the wrong garden or conditions...I needed more water and sunshine than most. I wanted to take more time to grow than the rest..I wanted to drink in the sunshine and let it warm my face for longer than was allowed. I was not really a good flower in the garden..I felt rebellious or inadaquate most of the time. It felt like I was always stretching to reach that elusive sunbeam, just out of my reach. A perfectionist, my blooms were just not as good or good enough or plentiful enough and I spent way too much time comparing my color and strengths to those around me. I have had people in my life, well meaning people, who have told me that I am too much of a dreamer. I have been told that to think that I can be an artist for a living is not realistic. I have heard, "Sure, everyone wishes they could stay home and be creative all day, but that is not reality." How many times have I been told to just go get a job??? Granted, reality means bills and responsibilities and I can't just piddle along day to day having a party, not getting serious about getting my art out there...after all..a flower's bloom can't be appreciated if it is seen by no one! I get that. But, miraculously, after some 50 odd years, I can say that I have had an epiphany...and I say to those who say that living the creative life and following my dreams is not a reality..."Bull Hockey"! It may not be THEIR reality, but it is MINE. In fact, I doubt that their "reality" is even theirs, at all. It is probably the reality that has been thrust on them by those who say so in their lives. This little bloom has realised something and it feels darn good. I AM A CREATIVE BEING. I WAS CREATED TO EXPRESS MYSELF CREATIVELY. Boy, that feels good. Whenever I have not been my true self and have tried to be a rose, instead of a wildflower, I have been miserable and have felt like I did not belong. But, here is the revelation...I am the one planting MYSELF in those gardens..and another revelation...being different does not mean I do not belong! I can bloom among roses, wildflowers or weeds...It is my choice and no one elses. How others see me does not change who I am. My dreams are important and are ordained by the One who made me. That does not mean that I will not have my struggles and days of significant wilting, where I wonder when the next drink of water is coming from. But, what it does mean, is that I can release myself from trying to fit that square peg into a round hole. How freeing...and I have come to know that I am not a bloom that is meant to stand alone, either. I have joyfully discovered that there are many wildflowers out there and bees, too, who are like me and I have been fed creative and inspirational nourishment from their example. I thank Andrea of ABCcreativity.com for her phenomenal inspiration and daily affirmation that I am worthy of all good things and that God supports me in living out my creative dreams. I thank Kelly Rae Roberts for her vision of sharing her positive energy and support of others on their quest through her "Taking Flight" ecourse... and Jamie Ridler, who is so committed to helping others find their authentic life and live it. I have been a bee, drinking in their life giving nectar and have been so recharged. I encourage all of you out there, yearning for more in your lives..more peace, joy, laughter, moments that are real and intimate, to explore the possibilities and check out what these women have to offer. As for me, how do I want to bloom? I want to bloom with all the intensity and energy that I have to give...with a gratitude for all that my Creator has blessed me to be..uniquelly me. I may not ever be the prize winning speciman of my species...I may just stay in that garden and bloom and die to bloom again...each time, stronger and smarter and hopefully, attractive to bees who can take some inspiration and use it in their lives. It doesn't mean I don't still have to stretch myself to reach that sunbeam..there is work ahead, for sure. But, I am not alone...I am surrounded by those who are here to support me..I am watched over by angels and a God who is in my corner and most importantly, holding the water can, knowing just the right moment I need a drink. I am in a garden of the most wonderful flowers and we are all different and valuable. It is the array of multi colors that fuse together to create a beautiful, one of a kind, work of art. The bees we attract not only take pollen from us, but spread the pollen from others to us...so, in all things, we are blessed. So, the journey ahead is one full of hope and I plan to share each moment I can with you, in hopes that you may leave refreshed and inspired to ask yourself this question... I ask you...little flower...How do you want to bloom?

Here's to New Beginnings!

2010! A fresh new year ahead of us, a pristine clean slate, just waiting for some new entries..what a wonderful feeling! Looking back on the past year, I have already had my sentimental indulgence as I recollected all that 2009 held for me, good and bad. I am blessed to say that in remembering, I had many occassions for smiles...recalling the sweet memories of times spent with precious family and friends..of adoring hugs and kisses from the little lights of my life, my granddaughters, Emily Ann and Madison Grace. I gave thanks for the blessed moments of celebration...Maddie's first birthday, where she had her first taste of sugar and fit as much cake into her little mouth as was possible! Then, there was Thanksgiving and the gratitude for family, as we sat around our parents dining table that has been handed down to my brother since their passing.We shared a fine meal, amidst much laughter and a bit of tears as we raised our glasses to toast the extraordinary mother and father who are so dearly missed. It is at those times that I give thanks for a grief so deep that I can weep after all these years. It is the evidence of a love that was just as deep and a blessing that will never grow old or die. The past year had several of those kind of moments..a time for tears at losing those I love and cherish so much. But, to never have tears to shed would mean not having much of a life to speak of...and I would not want to be spared the tears if it meant being spared the gift of their presence in my life, no matter how brief or long. So, after all of these smiles, tears, laughter and reflection, I have come to this conclusion... I have been truly blessed and in the coming year, I feel a passion and actually, a responsibilty to give back for all that I have been given. In that spirit, I have decided to require more of myself to live a life that is truly present, truly grateful, truly creative and passionate about the gifts that have been bestowed upon me. This stage of life has a life force all it's own and I feel like there is a fire burning from within..I guess it is time to take those hot flashes and put them to use and transfer them from body to soul! Look out world!! I think that should help create a more interesting blog..one that has more than 4 entries a year! I am sure there are not many out there who continued to follow after that pitiful representation, but I hope to win you back. I have had many people ask me to share what life is like at Wildberry Cottage and have expressed a desire to get to know "The Girl Beyond the Gate"..me. Well, my hope is to take you to the cottage and to my other home, "Daylily House" in Ct., to share the things that make my life so magical...perhaps a treasured recipe, or family tradition, a decorating idea or picture of something that inspired me...a craft or art project or just a simple joy that might bring a smile to your face. I plan to share who I am and hope you will be inspired to share who you are with me, so that we may share our journeys together. So, let us begin...may we all embrace the coming year with hope, gratitude, creative vision and a passion to live large! Happy and brightest blessing to you all and welcome 2010!!